Tuesday, June 27, 2006


I saw this on Post Secret <http://postsecret.blogspot.com/>. It was like someone finally stood up and screamed how I felt about my insomnia...

A Prayer

May the road be free for the journey,

May it lead where it promised it would,

May the stars that gave ancient bearings

Be seen, still be understood.

May every aircraft fly safely,

May every traveler be found,

May sailors in crossing the ocean,

Not hear the cried of the drowned.

May gardens be wild, like jungles,

May nature never be tamed,

May dangers create of us heroes,

May fears always have names,

May the mountains stand to remind us,

Of what it mean to be young,

May we be outlived by our daughters,

May we be outlived by our sons.

May the bombs rust away in the bunkers,

And the doomsday clock not be rewound,

May the solitary scientists, working

Remember the holes in the ground.

May the knife remain in the holder,

May the bullet stay in the gun,

May those who live in the shadows,

Be seen by those in the sun.

John Marsden

Sunday, June 25, 2006

The countdown has begun...

Slowly slowly, the days are going by. I am trying to convince myself that it will all be alright. The countdown has finally started, my apartment will slowly be stripped bare withing the next few months. The place I have come to call "home" will go back to being just a sad, empty apartment. One day, I will step out of it knowing that this time I will not not be going back. I am currently looking around, making mental notes one what should go down first to go back with me to my parents' home, and what i should forever say goodbye to. My beloved DVD collection will go first, I am sure. They got me through many, countless gloomy days and some not bad ones as well. Next, I am taking down the only two art pieces i own and have ever owned for that matter. Slowly, my walls have to e stripped bare. The pictures, the maps, the notes, the shelves, all that has to come down. The most precious thing I will miss however, is the privacy of my own home. My parents give me privacy, they understand, but not too well. They believe that a family has to share everything. How do you share something they will never understand? How do you make them realize that what was good for them, for my siblings, for thousands of people, is just not right or good for me? How do i make them understand that maybe, they should let me go? Being the youngest, I understand their need to hold onto me for as long as they can. But what about me? They never asked me what i wanted to do, where I wanted to go after this. They just assumed that I will go back to where I came from and be happy. I am happy, here. How can I get them to realize that I no longer fit in where they want me to. I can no longer survive in the society they live in. I have dreams, believe it or not, and ambitions. I am still not clear on what they are yet, but I am sure i will figure it out sooner or later. So, slowly, I will have to say goodbye to the new family I created here- my friends. They have been there for my good times and bad. They laughed with me -and at me- and they cried with me, for me, and we sometimes cried for them. Man, those were good times, were they not? They held my hand when I had surgery and reassured me that, contrary to what I believed at the time, I will not die! Best of all, they were and are true friends. I will miss them dearly. I do not want to make new friends, I like the ones i have at the moment just fine. I do not tell them this very often, but I do not know what I would do without them. When my "darker days" kick in, they come around just to make sure I have not don't anything drastic, and I did not drop off the face of the earth. They put up with my moodiness, and hell, am I moody. I go through days at a time when i am angry at everything and nothing, i go through days where i just do not want to see anyone and I go through days where all I want to do is laugh. They are the best of the best, and maybe, one day, I will tell them that. So, I guess I have to adjust myself to the idea that goodbye will soon be in order. My current adventure is slowly and painfully coming to an end, and a new one shall begin. A new life, a job perhaps, new friends, a new home, a new location, a new society. Only time will tell if the best is truly yet to come...

Monday, June 19, 2006

A thought...

Let me see... life has a weird way of sneaking up on you and slapping you in the face. Lately I feel as though life has not been exactly on my side. It just feels as though time is flying by so quickly with no intention to ever slow down. My time here is almost done, I am almost out of here. Only a few more months left and I leave the place I called "home" for the past four years and return to the place I once thought was home. I will no longer wake up and go to have coffee at my 2nd "home"- those of you who know me know exactly what coffee shop that is-. No more breakfasts, brunches, lunches or dinners with those that have become as close to me as family. No more ditching class to go watch that movie I Have been dieing to see, no more walking on the streets of this beloved city... I am leaving, it is as simple and as complicated as that.

I admit that i have always known that this day would come, but never would I have imagined it would come so soon. I remember the first day I arrived here. It was rainy day and by rainy, I mean that it was drizzling... I remember thinking that like it or not, this will have to be a place that I will be forced to live in for the net couple of years. Little did i know how accustomed I will get to it, how much I will fall in love with it and how much I will hate and dread leaving it behind. I remember crying my eyes out when my plane first landed. You see, I wanted to go to another country, another university. For some screwed up reason, I wanted to live in the only country where I would never, ever survive- Lebanon. Don't get me wrong, I love Lebanon to pieces, it is the pretentiousness and fakeness of the society that I hate. Anyways, back to my depressing subject, my home, my Montreal. Above all else, I will miss the winters. I love the winter. I love the way fresh snow glitters underneath the moonlight, i love the way it falls down from the heavens as though someone went crazy having a big pillow fight. Most of all, I love the freshness it brings and the hope for new beginnings it rekindles with every blow of air.

Ahhhh Montreal, I love you, will miss you, will never forget you and one day, shall return to your bittersweet winters, your horribly hot summers, your practically non existent springs and falls and to your hustle and bustle. For now, however, I shall be content and enjoy the remaining few months i have with you. I shall enjoy one last spring, one last summer, one last fall, one last winter. I shall enjoy one last uneven suntan, on last slip on the ice, one last performance by cirque de soleil and one last walk during a snowstorm. Until the dreadful day rolls around, I shall enjoy you...

Wednesday, June 7, 2006

Random Ramblings...

Ever wake up and felt that the day started out wrong? Ever felt that something is missing, misplaced or just no longer exists? Well, today was one of those days. I have had this feeling for so long now, it has become quite normal. I wake up with a feeling. A feeling that warns me how the day will be. Most of the time, my feeling turns out to have been correct. Some days, it really is not worth the getting out of bed at all. Some days are just not worth the effort. Today, for example, was wrong since it started. I woke up feeling wrong. I misplaced everything I touched, I did not find anything I wanted, i felt sick and nauseous, and the day does not seem to want to end. I feel empty too. I feel so empty that it starts to hurt sometime. I do not know how to explain it, but it is there. I shall call these days my "shadowy" days since they are always with me and although they fade away sometimes, when they reappear, they are darker than usual...