Monday, December 18, 2006

The road leading to a mental breakdown

Something is not right today... I do not feel well. My stomach is hurting me, I feel sick and very lightheaded. I also feel down. I was alright until I bumped into a friend of mine, Danny. He started asking me about "what I was going to do for the rest of my life", "where I am headed" and so forth. After that conversation, I just felt sick. I have been ignoring these feelings, ducking these conversations, hiding from reality.

Crap... reality caught up with me. Time is running and passing me by, no matter how much I try, I do not have enough hours everyday to do the things I want to do. I want to chill/relax/socialize/be alone/have fun/cry/watch movies/study/read books/go out for walks/say goodbye... that is a shitload of things to do in so little time.

How am I supposed to say goodbye to four years of my life? Four years that contributed to the person I am today. How am I supposed to easily flip this page and start an entirely different one? How am I supposed to do all this while forcing a smile on my face and holding back the tears in my eyes? How do you say goodbye to the most important and dear people in your life?

The hardest part of leaving here is not the leaving, its the moving on. I have formed my own little family here, the bond I have with them is so strong that I know distance can not break it. However, what is hard is the fact that I have to pick up and leave. I have to start a new life, a new me has to be born. I have to try and make the best of it. In short, I have to learn t live without those people in my life. I will no longer see them everyday, I will no longer speak to them everyday... I will no longer go for a walk and bump into them. I will no longer go to my coffee shop, aka office, sit there and see them all. I will no longer do many things with them. Worst of all, I will no longer hang out with them.

My biggest fear is that when I leave here I know things will never be the same again. I know my friendship bonds are strong, but damn it, distance and time do take a toll on things. Sooner or later, we will all have different experiences and the things we have in common will be only a blast from the past. Another one of my fears, and this is my insecurity speaking, is that I wont be missed as much as I will miss them. They will still have each other, what will I have? Memories... yes, the memories I have are great ones, memories that are filled with everything from laughter to tears, joys and sorrows... those were great times... will I still be able to remember them in 5 years? 10 years? 20?

Leaving here is hard for one other reason... it is the not knowing when I will be back. It could be in three months, it could be in 12, it could even be in years for all that I know. Will I be able to survive that long? and if I do, will I be alright?

What is to become of me... what does the future hold for me... these are the 2 simplest questions I have and I need them to be answered... only time will tell.

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