For the past 4 years I only felt certain things, mainly desperation, nostalgia, some anxiety and a whole lot of mood swings that went from one extreme to the next in a matter of seconds. Somewhere along the lines, I know I lost that innocently happy-go-lucky person I once was. With all that happened to me, how could I not? Today, as I'm sitting here having my tea and reflecting on everything, I feel different. I feel like life has much to offer and that I have not even scratched the surface yet. There is so much for me to do, and a lot further for me to go before I become the person I would like to be.
Sometimes, you feel as though th world is against you, you feel misunderstood and out of place. I don't know about you out there that is reading this, but sometimes I have out of body experiences. It is weird, like I am floating and looking down and watching myself doing something. Other times, I feel as if I am floating in a continuous dream, like all this around me is not true. It sometimes feels as though the person next to me is not real. It is weird, VERY weird.
Thanks to going through all that, and thanks to all the struggles I've had to overcome and the hurdles I've had to jump over, I've learnt to let go of so much. For instance, I a a great and wonderful emotional compartmentaliser now. It isn't that I don't feel the emotion, whatever it is. I just allow it to take over for 10-15 seconds and then... I file it away. I've learnt that crying over a loved one that has passed away will never bring them back and that it is better to celebrate the fact that they lived rather than mourn the fact that we lost them. How selfish is it of us anyway? The dead are far better off than us in any case. They are done with this race that no one comes out of alive. We run, chase, find, keep, lose and in the end, we all die taking nothing with us - no loved ones, no material possessions or anything of that sort. The only thing we can do therefore, is to ensure that we have done something worth remembering, we leave behind a legacy and a memory that will bring a smile to someone's face. That should be the objective of life.
I've learnt that no matter how sad or upset you are and how depressed you might be, the world will never stop to pick you up. It will keep going forward with or without you. Most of the time, you are left to struggle just to catch up, and sometimes you do while others you don't.
Mostly, I've learnt that life can be tough sometime, but without the downs, how will we appreciate and delight in the ups? There is so much for us to learn just by observing and trying. This year will be different. I will make sure of it. I am fed up of being that lost soul that really has no idea of where she is going in her life. That has to change. Whether grad school happens or not, it doesn't matter. What matters is that something has to change. I have 12 whole months work on that change and actually making it happen.A change is coming... pray that it will be a good one.
P.S> Happy birthday to me! =D