I am an ASS

Today I spoke to my mother and she passed on some bad news. My grandma, the only grandparent I have ever met or known in my life, is not doing so good. Two years ago, she had what we call a "cold stroke" in Arabic. What this did is leave her paralyzed from the waste down and affected her memory a little. However, according to my mom, now it is getting worse. When my mom and dad went to see her a few days ago when they were in Lebanon, she did not recognize them... she did not recognize her own daughter and son-in-law!!!!!!!!!!!! My dad says pray for her and my mom says that she is scared to come visit me here because she is terrified that something will happen to my grandmother.

What if something did happen? She is the only one i have ever known from my grandparents. Last time i saw her was last summer, and i did not hang with her too much because it pained me so much to see her that way. What if i will not get a chance to say goodbye? I never got to know her as well as i would have liked as i was to young before, and now that I am older, she is not doing well. I have never had my morning coffee with her like all my cousins, including my sister and brother have. I have never told her how much I loved her. I have never even been shopping with her! i never told her about my boyfriends... Shit.... she might not even be there when I graduate and have my degree. She held me in her arms when I was first born, I saw her every summer till I was 14 and decided that Lebanon was so "uncool" and wanted to only spend my summers in Europe.

What will happen if I do not see her again? What will happen if i do not give her one last hug and tell her how much I love her? What then? I did not even call her for Eid. I am officially the worst grand-daughter she has ever had. I never call her just to say hi, I never travel just to see her, I never hang with her......... and now, she might forever be going away.

As a child, I never imagined I will ever say goodbye to someone dear to me. Then, one day, my friends' mother passed away, then my uncle, then some family friends... then it hit me. No one will live forever, life is just this. Saying goodbye and moving on.

Grandma, I am so sorry I never called you and I was too selfish to hang out with you... Please stay... its not time yet.