Rambling from the land of the sand...

Well, this is my first post from the land of the sand. I landed a few days ago, and I must say, so far so good. It is weird being here, and what is weirder is the fact that this time, I am not leaving to go back. Every time that thought hits me, it scares me. So what next? Well, I think I have some growing up to do. I have been doing nothing but spoiling myself since I got here. I went to the spa for some much needed pampering. The massage has to wait though, it will be the reward of withstanding pain next week -girls, you know what I am talking about. The weather is lovely... I feel light when we go out.. what? no jacket?!!!

I miss everyone back there... I miss being able to wake up at 3 am, or not sleep whichever, and be able to call someone. I also miss someone calling me at that time. I get bored this time of night... it is a very lonely time. Thank God for blogger, right?! It is 4:40 am here, making it the day I should have left initially.

My thoughts are all jumbled, I do not know what I want to blog about exactly. Should I write about missing my friends? The M&M's that I will probably never enjoy eating again? Missing my bed and apartment? Missing "the Office"?

Naaaah... I think those are all given. I might as well just stop rambling now and blog again when I have a proper thought to discuss... I feel my thoughts are all over the place.

Miss you all so very much... You will always be in my heart.

The end has come...

... and so, I left. I packed up my bags -4 in total- and am on my way back to what I once referred to as home. I have the worlds' greatest friends. They chilled with me every day and night for a whole week, trying to cram as much quality time as we can in such short notice, although they have school and everything. I am sure they must be exhausted by now... especially clau and L since they hung out with me mostly at nights, and I am insomniac....

I am disappointed that I did not get to spend much time with one of my Friends, Mar... like, OK, so he is moving, studying and working... I AM LEAVING!!!!! I did see him before i left, so tht is good, bas ya3ni...I need to vent to him about it to get it off my chest, so maybe I'll send him an email soon...

Back to my amazing friends, i am going to miss them like crazy. It just hit me that I will not see them tomorrow, or the day after.. or the day after that. However, they will always be a part of my heart and the memories i have of them will always be dear to me. Plus, technology makes it much easier to keep in touch nowadays, right? So it would take serious energy to lose touch with someone....

Love you all loads... you are the best. I will miss you all like crazy, but I will hold on to the hope that i will see you again one day.

Bent by Matchbox 20

If I fall along the way
Pick me up and dust me off
If I get too tired to make it
Be my breath so I can walk
If I need some of your love again
Give me more than I can stand
When my smile gets old and faded
Wait around I'll smile again
Shouldn't be so complicated
Just hold me and then
Just hold me again

Can you help me I'm bent
I'm so scared that I'll never
Get put back together
Keep breaking me in
And this is how we will live
With you and me bent

If I couldn't sleep could you sleep
Could you paint me better off
Could you sympathize with my needs
I know you think I need a lot
I started out clean but I'm jaded
Just falling
Just breaking the skin

Start bending me
It's never enough
'Til I feel all your pieces
Start bending me
Keep bending me until I'm completely broken in
Shouldn't be so complicated
Just touch me and then
Just touch me again

Without understanding
Hell, I'll go there again
Can you help me I'm bent
I'm so scared that I'll never
Get put back together
Yeah, you're breaking me in
And this is how we will live
With you and me bent

On being rejected... twice!

Even British Airways is rejecting me!!!!! Ok... so maybe it is my second rejection today, but still... I wont talk about the first rejection, only because frankly, I don't have the time or energy for it anymore.

They are going on strike from Jan. 29th till Jan 31st -the day I leave. They say on their website:

"We understand that some of our customers who are due to travel between January 29 and February 16 may wish to change their plans now. As a result, we have, from today, introduced a policy that enables customers to rebook flights for a different date. Customers should call British Airways if they wish to change their travel plans."

Seriously! Like I need to worry about yet ANOTHER thing...

Another thing, what is up with the lady that gabs away while you wait for the agent to pick up? i heard you the first 500 times, chances are, i know what you have to say by heart now, so SHUT UP!

so far, Jan 21st has proved a sucky day... and its only 5:20 pm.

Still no sleep, in case anyone is wondering. Hopefully, me will crash today...


** Update **

I am leaving in 5 days... on the 27th, not on the 31st anymore....

On not being able to sleep and other random sh*t...

It is past 6 am and I still can't sleep......

Actually, I feel like I can't do so many things anymore... I am seriously drained. I no longer have the energy.

Crap.

**********************

One side will make you larger; the other side will make you smaller.
- Lewis Carrol


So true...

**********************

Scorpio today:

"If you have been overly stressed recently by trying to resolve the conflict between your head and your heart, now the tensions will finally begin to dissipate. Oddly enough, no concrete action on your part is required. Something subtle is shifting on its own, giving you a glimpse of the smoother sailing ahead."


Basically, give in and go with the flow? Screw the flow, I say. Plus, I gave up and gave in a looong time ago. Not worth fighting for or against anything and everything anymore. Go with the flow it is then, I suppose. Time to seriously stop fighting the strong winds and tides and allow them to carry me wherever they please...

***********************

C will arrive tomorrow... can't wait... I miss her. Then I will have one more person i will have to say goodbye to.

Double crap.

Bits and pieces of random conversations

* An earlier MSN conversation with my friend C:

"H€åv€n£¥ Thïng΀ -> OMG 1 more day... says:
yes i did... y do we always want things to last forever?

Me: Ay-ya-ya-yaaaaaay says:
because it is easier to hold on to what you already are accustomed to"


* A conversation with my friend Rosie:
" Her: did you pack?

Me: not yet, it's haaaaaaaaaaaaaaard!!! No one is understanding that!!!
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa3

Her: hahahahah

Me: Rosie, it is not funnnnny!!! It is depressing!

Rosie: I'm coughing, I am coughing!!

Me: Oh... ok then!"


* A conversation with Dad:

"Me: Daddy! my house is sooo messy, sooo dirty! Don't tell mama, but it is a dump.

Dad: well, your house is a mess even when you spend hours cleaning it... I can just imagine what it looks like now...

Me: Hmmm = ( "


* A conversation with Mar:

Me: Something is wrong with this week...

Him: Why?

Me: Most of my friends are depressed, I don't know why!

Him: Because you are leaving next week"

Oiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!

On Palestinian nationalism...

My friend Mimi asked me last night what is it with Palestinians only wanting to marry Palestinians? She argued that my father is Palestinian, and yet he married a Lebanese... so why am I so insistent on my guy being Palestinian. As I was explaining to her, I realized that t all has to do with nationalism.

I want to marry a Palestinian, because I want my kids to have the Palestinian identity, I want to raise them 100% Palestinian. I want them to stand up for her, call for her, bleed for her, and cry for her. I want them to know that they come from a country that is suffering from being raped onetime after another. I want them to raise their voices and state that they are Palestinians. Obviously, no one knows what the future holds, but I would prefer for them to grow up knowing that their father is from there, their ancestors are from there. I want them to be as passionate about it as I am. I want them to be more active as well. I want to raise them to be able to recite both narratives -Arab and Israeli- by the age of 10. I want them to be able to shut any Zionist up by the age of 12. I want to instill in them the need to fight for her, even if they never saw her, touched her, saw her moon or smelled her beaches.

I guess I want to do all that because I feel that it is the least we could do for her. We should insist on Palestinian nationalism being engraved in our children, even if they reject it at first, only because if we do not, she will be forgotten. She will have no one to look out for her, to feel for her, or to scream for her. In time, people will forget that she needs someone to hold her up high, that she needs to lean on someone to stay upright. People will forget how much she has bled, how hard she fought to hold on, how badly hurt she was. In time, she will be lost, and that could never happen. We have to keep fighting for her, we have to struggle for her, and it is our duty to raise generations that will do that.

Golda Meir once said "The old will die and the young will forget". My reply to Meir? Go screw yourself. The bond we have with the land, even though most of us have never even seen a glimpse of it, is one that travels by blood. It will never fade away, it will not be easily forgotten. History has taught us that!!!

On marriage and stuff...

I spoke to my aunt today, and she was the 100th person to tell me "so, you graduated? Well, 3i2bal il 3arees" (May the husband come next). Like, I studied for four years of my life, and the second that is over, people think they have the right to tell me that.

Let us get a few things straight here... I am not against marriage. However, I am against waiting around for Mr. Right to show up. Secondly, I am still young, i am only 22. having said that, I am not against having a serious relationship with a potential someone. I am done with dating around. I am done with stupidities. If i am with someone, then I am with that person. Plus, I need someone who, after learning about my insecurities, knowing my history, realizing what and where I am going in life, will still be there. He will not judge me on anything, he will not think any less of me. Basically, I need someone to love and respect me just the way I am. I also do not want or need someone in my life whose main mission is to change me, for the better or worst.

Haaaaaaaaaa.....Looks like I need to make a list... here it goes (in no particular order):

1) Love and respect me the way i am. I am loud, crazy most of the time, very sarcastic, sensitive -even though I put on a very tough exterior-, I have the random-est and weirdest thoughts at the oddest times. Oh, and let us not forget my verbal diarrhea problem.. God knows just how much trouble I got myself into... or just how many arguments. I just can not keep my mouth shut. On the brighter side though... when I do open my big mouth, a good argument comes out... not necessarily a good statement or comment though... Meh...

2) accept me with the good, the bad and the ugly. I am friendly and outgoing, but I also have my evil and dark side. I am also insomniac, moody and could go into depression. He has to accept all that and work with me on all of them; not run the other way.

3) understand me. That, I admit, would be a tough one. I do not easily open up to people, I need alone time every once in a while, I am passionate about people, places and things. he has to understand how easily attached I get to people, subjects that fascinate me, places, ideas... etc. He has to bear with me.

4) show me he cares. Obviously... and it doesn't have to be a major love declaration. Just taking 2 minutes out of his hectic day to call me and ask me about me, and actually listen to my answer.
I am easy to satisfy, honestly, just so long as I know it comes from the heart.

5) loves life. He simply has to be active, he has to be adventurous. I am hyperactive at most times, i love to go out sightseeing, discover new places, meet new people. I want to go skydiving, paragliding, flying over the big fan thing - i don't know what it is called-, water skiing... etc. He doesn't have to want to do these things, but he has to want to do other things, and who knows, maybe I will go with him. Point is, he has to be able to do something crazy/weird/spontaneous every once in a while.

6) Charming and charismatic with a good sense of humour. Well... this one is obvious too. Who wants a bore who is a total outcast?!! He has to get along with people, he has to make me proud to be linked to him when he walks into a room!

7) be willing to move to live in the same country as my parents. Yes, I know... I have never mentioned this before, but if I am to start a family, I want my parents around me. So, he has to be what they want... a Palestinian! hahahahahahahahaha, yet another requirement!

8) be comfortable to be with. I have to feel like I can be me around him. no sugar coatings or frosting. Just pure and simple me, with my stupid or ingenious moments. AND he has to embrace them all.

9) trustworthy. I have to be able to trust him with my deepest, darkest secrets, fears and thoughts....

10) patient. i am hard to live with. I have too many walls built around me, and he has to take his time and take them down one at a time.

11) Smart/intelligent... Umm.. who wants a dumb-ass?!

12) Ok, the superficial stuff, because, who isnt? Tall, dark and handsome, kind eyes, glasses, strong hands and a killer smile.


That is it. I do not need wealth or fame. I just need someone I could count on to be there when I need him, as I will be when he ever needs me.

If someone with these characteristics shows up right now, I will not be opposed to him or the idea of marriage... It will have to be a long engagement though, seeing as I am only 22 and need sometime to settle down and figure out where I am headed, as I am sure he will need it too!

So, until I find someone who is interested, and fulfills these criteria... I would rather be single, thank you very much!

I feel like whining.... Again!

Yes, yes, I know... I whine a whole lot in this blog. However, that is why it was created, for me to ramble on and on when I don't find someone to listen, or when I just don't have the energy to call someone.

I am tired, very sleepy, but refuse to fall asleep. This sucks. My brain went into complete shutdown just half an hour ago, my friends were talking, and I was sitting there and could not keep up with anything at all!!!!

Also, note to self, I do not want to have any more Mexican food. It is tooo heavy, and you end up smelling like a walking fajita. Not exactly good.

One more thing, my stupid neighbour is playing the piano. S/he sucks.... when will they figure that out and just give up?



Out.

Bad morning?!

At LEAST I would not have to worry about this happening where I am going... for now, at least...









Ok, geek moment: notice how I started and finished the sentence with "at least"? How scandalous!