A change is coming, and it is pushing me closer and closer to my already too close abyss of darkness. I can't share what that change is yet, as it is not my thing to share, but once all lose ends are tied and everything is set, I will share.
Although this change is not mine, it will impact me greatly. Just thinking about it depresses me. It has been haunting me for over a week now, and because I can't share, I've had to deal with it the only way I know how: retreat into my own little world. My world is always a good place to retreat to, although sometimes I worry that I might lose my way back to reality. Ok, I know that would probably never happen and that I am blowing things out of proportion, but sometimes, my imagination runs wild and I end up with so many different scenarios to so many different situations.
I used to love this time of night. When it is past 1 am, the streets are quiet and the world is mine, and only mine. Now I hate it. It is too quiet and my thoughts are too loud. Loud and confused... maybe even lost. Who knows? So, to shut up these thoughts, I blog. I blog about what is bothering me, or I blog about something totally silly because I can't be bothered to sift through my thoughts and inflict their destructive power onto someone else. I blog because I have a problem opening up and sharing with people I know. No matter who it is, it will take me a while to share even the silliest feeling. I don't think anyone knows what my real fears are, and that includes me. Suck it up and keep moving on, that is the best way to survive. It might also be the only way to survive nowadays.
On a different note, I started reading a new book. So far, it seems to go pretty well with my dark mood. Only problem? It depresses more than it cheers up. That is the mark of a good book though, I think. A good book is one that you can not put down, even if you disagree with the author, even if it isn't what you usually fancy or even if it does nothing to help alleviate your mood. A good book is one that sucks you in and allows you to get lost among its pages. It is one where fantasy and reality collide, over and over again. One that forces you to question everything you ever learnt or believed, digs through many layers you weren't even aware existed, and yet somehow, it leaves you whole.
Sorry, I didn't mean to go off on such a book-loving tangent here. That is the truth though, I love books. They are predictable, mobile, and always available. Books are awesome.
As for this blog... well, it is what keeps me sane at 2 am. So, dear void, this is another post to add to your library. Enjoy!
Out.
